The wonderings, ponderings and other 'ings' of me. Lifestyle, review, news and opinion posts. Chic with a hint of sarcasm... hopefully!

Monday, 20 December 2010

The Christmas Loser

Ahhh isn’t it pretty? Doesn’t it make you feel festive? Isn’t it lovely walking around in it? Doesn’t it fuck up your plans if your relatives are 75 miles away and they get 8 inches of snow in 2 hours? Yes I’m talking about the snow, and yes New York and Canada will probably be laughing their heads off at our inability to deal with the snowfall parts of England have experienced. But here where the only snow plough I've seen is in the Simpsons Christmas episode, pretty much everything is screwed and that includes my family coming up to see me this weekend.

I thought long and hard about whether to write this blog and let everyone inclined to read it know that snow officially sucks and this weekend has been a massive LOSER. And frankly no, I don’t care that I’m nearly 34 and the true meaning of Christmas isn’t supposed to be about getting gifts. This is looking like it will be the first year there are no family presents for me. Ho Hodiliy fuckin’ Ho.

In my more paranoid moments, I’ve thought the ‘snow blizzard’ was an elaborate hoax made up to cover the fact that mine kith and kin can’t be arsed to leave their sofas. Particularly as when I look out the window I see this:




Oh yeah TONS of snow there eh?









I can see them all now, Vintage Port in hands, passing round the chocolates and my sister saying to Dad ‘ it’s been about an hour now, time for someone to call her and talk about how hard we are trying to get there. Maybe elaborate with some story about a lorry sliding down the road or a car crash. But make it quick cos we’re all about to watch ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’. When I feel like this I wonder if the weather problems were just a rouse, though how they got the news to report fake travel issues and Heathrow to cancel all their flights so that it seems more realistic I don’t know, maybe my dad has more pull then I originally thought.

Somewhat cheered by hearing Jo Wiley’s kid’s birthday was ruined as no one turned up to their party either, I decided that the weather will not squash my Christmas spirit. I want my family to see my house’s first Christmas and God Damn It they will! (as long as they read this that is). So anyone not into Christmas may want to turn away now lest they become infected with Sarchristmasosis (symptoms include vomiting tinsel, spontaneous bursts of carolling, a tinnitus style constant jingling sound and laughing as you go). Behold…

My Outdoor Wreath
















And the Banister garland (avec angel!)
















Here’s my tree with every bauble on it that I own.
















And the inside wreath, (oh yes, I double wreath!)












Next there's the Kitchen Christmas lights: NB the out of focus-ness is due to my artistry. Any rumours advising it was due to a massive sulk, being drunk or not being able to use a camera are completely without merit.














This is the massive bauble which was ‘liberated’ from its tree in Moor Park at a friends wedding. It’s much happier here, it told me.










Here’s the spare bed, note the bows made from scratch and by my own fair hands











And finally the empty bottle of Trinity College Port and the wrappers from the Lindt chocolate box that I was going to share but instead was demolished by the man and me (oh, and me in the background writing this).
My House all Christmased - Ta daaaaa!

Seeing as this has been a completely self serving whinge I thought I’d end it by putting my moaning into perspective. Fact of the matter is we all know there are people in this world that have no family members to visit them at Christmas or any other time. Worse still, some have
families and homes that are dangerous to be in and while people like me bitch about their situations, others do what they can to help those in need. So here’s some links to a few worthy charities. If you’re feeling generous (or guilty about complaining like I am now), maybe send a little cash their way and have a Merry Christmas.

Salvation Army

Shelter

Childline
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Saturday, 11 December 2010

Students and Leaks

Right so I rarely venture into the world of politics, the closest I’ve ever come in the past is wondering ‘so why can’t that little Tibetan monk bloke go home?’ and ‘I thought China was meant to be a lovely place to visit but some of you think it has a dictatorial leadership that censors the media and rules its people with an iron fist?, well okay then’. But a couple of stories have worked their way into my world this week.

BIG FAT DISCLAIMER: The following opinions are based on somewhat limited information and are just my impressions of what’s happening. They consist of not all that well thought out thoughts and conclusions I have come that may well be flawed. It isn’t a call to agree with me, I can think of at least one of you who will be in utter disagreement with me anyway so no getting your knickers all in a twist about them all hmm’kay?

The Wikileaks Stuff
As I understand it, this website is releasing sensitive USA and UK government materials which has led to MasterCard and Visa withdrawing their services, which in turn has led to hackers that support Wikileaks taking down 3D secure (that extra screen you have to fill in after you try to buy your Christmas presents on the net) supposedly showing that ‘we the people are not pleased’ so far so devious, take down the man and all that.

The leaks I’m not overly concerned with though I can’t help but think masses of people knowing the ins and outs of every issue the government deal with is only going to cause more fear of terrorists not less. I mean isn’t there a possibility that if everyone knows every time there’s a threat, all those that seek to terrorize our way of life need to do is declare their intentions, we’ll all find out about the threat, get scared and act out of fear accordingly rather than getting on with our lives. It reminds me of what Zed says to Jay in Men in Black when explaining what’ll happen if it’s common knowledge that there are aliens on the planet, ‘A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals’… couldn’t similar rules apply here?

But what about the people working for the internet companies and small businesses dealing with the fall out? After all, MasterCard and Visa won’t be down forever, sure they’ll be disgruntled for a day or so and maybe not be so arrogant as to think they are untouchable, but all that’s really happening is a lot of employees are having to work their arses off sorting out the mess the hackers have created. Seriously, if they want to upset the bigwigs shouldn’t they target those individuals not piss off the people they say they’re representing?

The Student Stuff
The protests this week were all about the price to be a student being hiked up, tripled no less and yeah that really does suck. I didn’t go to University (though I am sure this is no surprise from the myriad of grammatical errors that probably litter these entries) and I am well aware that in all likelihood one of the reasons I am as comfortable as I am now, is because my husband did.

The protests themselves are fine and fair enough, but firstly, it seems to me that a lot of the blame is being laid at the feet of the Lib Dems which is like complaining about a schools policies and seeking to sack the Deputy rather than the Head. Secondly, if just one of those protesters are over 18 and didn’t vote Lib Dem or worse didn’t vote in the general election at all then they really should think before complaining about the situation we are all in.

But mostly my problem is all the violence, is that really necessary? Didn’t Gandhi beat the entire British Empire with peaceful protests? Basically what I’m saying is can’t we all just get along? It is Christmas for fuck sake!




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Wednesday, 17 November 2010

But will there ever be a Princess Chelsea?

In a blatent attempt to jump on the Royal Wedding Bandwagon and as I am unable to blog on the actual day (I've been advised its not the done thing to tap away on a blackberry whilst the bride says her vows, seems old Westminster is awfully echoy!) I'm re-publishing the engagement post. If I get two mins in the weekend I'll do a report afterwards.

If you want your Royal Wedding Name, take your Grandmother's first name then double-barrel it with the name of your first pet and the street you grew up on.

TTFN





I’ve never really considered myself a royalist or particularly patriotic, however the news of Wills and Kate’s engagement has definitely put a smile on my face. Maybe it’s because they seem a bit more normal that the rest of them or that at last our Royal Family will have some fresh blood so the next generation wont all look like horses with wigs on. Possibly it's because I’ve always been a wedding-head and will go with any excuse to witter on about one (that looks the most likely now that I see it written down), whatever the reason K & W seem to be the topic of the week. Obviously nasty stuff like oil spills, wars and the fact that the world’s economy is pretty much up the shitter can be swept a side for a week or so while we focus on the more important issues of who she’ll wear on the day in question.


Having never really watched the royals before, their reactions to the news has been rather entertaining. Camilla described it as ‘wicked’ and even did a little gangster style finger flick before she popped a cap in a fotog’s ass (NB: that last bit didn’t really happen). Charles’ comment that ‘they had been practicing for long enough’ was quite telling as well. Yes Charlie-boy, in comparison to the 28 days you spent getting to know your future wife before you popped the question it does seem like a remarkably long time. Though now I think about it he does have a bit of a point there. After 9 years of not proposing, how Wills didn’t wake up with the pointy end of a carving knife in his face more than once is beyond me. No matter, he did finally man-up and at least they really do love each other (from what I've seen anyway) so fingers, toes and any other extremities you have left crossed they might actually make it.


My only bone would be while it’s all very sentimental that Willy gave his betrothed Di’s old engagement ring so that his mum could be there with them, personally I think it smacks of lethargy. When you propose, you go out and buy a ring you lazy bugger, you don’t just grab the first one that you see in a family jewellery box! Had he given me the ring his mother wore, that symbolised probably one of the most highly documented and rubbish marriages in the world I would have said, you’re alright thanks, I’ll stick to a diamond solitaire.


There’s no date yet but at least when it does happen we, the subjects, get an extra day’s holiday so we can celebrate properly (I have been assured this is true so if it doesn’t occur I’ll give you the address of my big sister so you can take it up with her). However this too slightly concerns me; does that mean that we, the mugs who are constantly taxed up to the eyeballs and then a bit more for good measure, end up paying for the whole thing? If so I say we should all don our biggest and best hat, rock on up to the palace and demand a dance with Harry (we all know he’s the more interesting one anyway!)


So I’ll be waiting with bated breath for my invite (am sure after they see this I’ll be top of the list) and I already know what to buy them. Sure they may well have land, a title, and all the trappings of a lavish lifestyle but I bet they don’t have this?


This blog is actually dedicated to my 2 sets of friends that are getting married next month, Congratulations Nick and Debs and Mart and Becks, looking forward to getting bladdered at both of your special days!






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Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Embrace the Jewelled Days

So yes, Summer is definitely over.  If you’re anything like me, you didn’t loose that ½ stone you put on last Christmas, didn’t get a golden brown tan from all the hours laying in the sun (what sun?) and didn’t have anywhere near enough bbq’s. The good news though? Now Autumn's here.

I’ve heard the moaning, how depressing it is that Summer’s gone or how it’s the best season.  While its true that the nights drawing in does encourage us to make like a grizzly bear, the fact is Summer, whether long and hot or cold and wet, is one of only four seasons that we get.  Deciding you only like these few days means dooming yourself to being miserable 75% of the year.  Which is just plain silly and I expected better from you.

And while Summer brings lazy warm days it also brings mosquitoes, heat rash and disappointment whenever the rains come which they inevitably do.  You know other seasons misbehave as well right?  Winter pretty much always outstays her welcome, like that one annoying person who’s come to your dinner party and then just won’t leave, even after you’ve done all the dishes and gone to bed!  But Autumn always has those clear, crisp, burn your retina bright days, where the skies are blue and the leaves have gone mental and changed to a thousand different shades.  It never fails to deliver.


Autumn means new clothes! It means digging out all the co-ordinated scarves, gloves and hats you have. It means you get to cover up the bits you would rather not show and the items of clothing you’d rather you hadn’t bought. Whether you shop at the evil that is Primark, are a devil in Prada or anywhere in-between, buying the right coat or boots can cover a multitude of jeggings!

It means fireworks night is coming, and therefore Christmas is just round the corner too! Autumn for a kid signifies new beginnings and change. I still remember that feeling from having fresh school supplies, all brand new and unused. The knowledge that (so far at any rate) I hadn’t been late to one lesson, bunked off one class or forget to do one piece of homework. Those new supplies represent a fresh new year full of possibilities and empty of mistakes. That only comes in Autumn at the beginning of the school term.

Autumn means doing away with cold salads or concerning yourself with diets, what’s the point when the season to be jolly is just a ho ho ho away? Now we get creamy soups that taste like a liquidised korma, big meaty pies, hot fruity pies, drinking chocolate with a massive helping of marshmallows, nourishing roast dinners and sausages with bacon and cheese mash!

And yes I'm fully aware that the leftover hippie leanings my parents passed onto me are a good part of reason behind this rambling.  This became all too apparent to me recently when I pulled my car over just to watch the birds do their ‘time to bugger off to the Caribbean’ dance. But seriously folks, there’s so much worth looking forward to in the next few months.
So I’m banning ‘summers over’ grumblings. Anyone caught staring wistfully at their bikinis will be sentenced to repeat that song we sang at school if you’re of a certain age.

I know it’s cold and raining and you want to head off to Barbados, but seeing as we can’t all do that I say we embrace the jewelled days.

What do you like about Autumn?




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Monday, 27 September 2010

A Novice’s Guide to Formula 1

Pub 27/09/2010

So it’s Sunday afternoon and I am meant to be packing up my house getting ready for a move, but I'm not. I’m sat on my sofa engrossed in the lead up to the Singapore Grand Prix. A couple of years ago I doubt I would have known it was on, let alone bothered watching.  Even now I have minimal knowledge of the cars, even less about the mechanics and the only thing I knew about Bernie Eccles-cake was that he looked a bit like a hobo in a suit and needed a hair cut.

Grand Prix, as far as I was concerned, was a bunch of rich kids racing round and round and round a track and at the end, the top three trundle into a media interview wearing massive watches and caps advertising some bank or other and the number 2 and 3 usually moan about why they aren’t no.1.

But having given it a chance I think I’ve got a slightly better grasp of it now.  So if you’re reading this and know next to nothing about the rules here are the main ones as I understand them. And if you're reading this and know a lot about the rules don’t laugh. Okay:

• There are 2 drivers per team
• There are 3 races or 'qualifying heats' before the main event and the driver that gets the fastest speed at the end of these heats gets to start on pole position for the actual race. (Actually not 100% sure that is strictly true but it sounds like its a good idea so we'll just go with it, cool?)
• There are certain rules everyone needs to abide by - all cars have to change tyres at least once and they can’t refuel the car (that’s a new one this year).
• Then there are the things that seem a little unfair. Mechanics can develop parts of the car within certain strict rules of which I couldn’t even begin to comment on! I don’t think they are really that important anyway.  If they do it quicker than the mechanics in the other teams, their car will naturally be faster. For example Red Bull developed something that pushes down on the erm...exhaust (?) thereby creating a more streamlined G-Force - I think. Don’t quote me on that though. So they were winning all the races until the other teams managed to invent the same thing.
• There are 19 races (this year) and the person that wins the most races gets a massive cup and a ton of cash.

But enough of the technical talk. There is part of the Grand Prix I feel more qualified to comment on, the personalities of the drivers. This is for no reason other than I'm quite good at getting a feel for a person from snippets of information provided to me by my television. My opinion of the current top five follows:

Webber (Nickname Desperate Dan) Drives for Red Bull - Here’s a guy that should be on top of the world. Tall, rich and I’m sure many people find him at least a little bit attractive but I have never seen such a moaning old woman in my life. Even when he wins he still moans! He’s the first to complain if he feels someone has messed up but the last to accept any responsibility for his own mishaps. Watching him when he’s happy is just as annoying, his stupid leap-frog fake happy jump when he collects his trophy makes me wish he would go back to eating cow pies.
Alonso (Nickname Alfonso Bonzo) Drives for Ferrari - He seems like a decent driver, isn’t a big moaner and is doing rather well at the moment having won the last two ,but a man that waxes his eyebrows into two fat caterpillars across his forehead is not to be trusted. Who knows what secrets he hides underneath those hairy beasts? Plus he has taken to copying Webbers 'leap frog' happy jump which is just wrong.
Hamilton (Nickname Cutie Pie) Drives for McLaren - He’s the wonder kid that came from nowhere, took the championship in 2008 and hooked himself a rather hot, if slightly vacant looking, girlfriend (probably by batting his eyelashes). But I reckon the highlight of his year was when Santander made him into a toy for their advert.

Vettel (Nickname The Village Idiot) Drives for Red Bull - Off duty he rather resembles a German student on his gap year.  He's made some ridiculous mistakes which has left him and several others not able to finish races, the Button incident in Belgium to name one. But I kind of like him, he looks like a kid that can’t believe his luck at being allowed to race cars for a living. Except when he's grumpy, then he looks like a kid who's pissed off!


Button (Nickname The Gentleman) Drives for McLaren - I’m not really sure how you can be racing for as many years as he has, come 8th pretty much consistently, still make a mint and then jump right up to win the whole thing last year, but that's what he did. Maybe being towards the back of the points section for all that time has contributed towards his relaxed persona but he has yet to put a foot wrong. He covers for his teammates if they make any mistakes, doesn’t judge others for their driving (or for their preference in jewellery, BTW nice earring Hamilton) and basically delivers sportsmanlike behaviour at all times. He’s pretty much one of the only drivers you could have a normal conversation with. And he’s hot.

With four races left I’m more hooked than ever and as long as neither Desperate Dan or Alfonso Bonso wins the whole thing, I’ll be happy – check back with me on 14th November.
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Sunday, 19 September 2010

Covet

Pub 19/09/2010

Louboutin, Louboutin, wherefore art thou Louboutin?








Deny thy actress and refuse thy pop-star;
Or if thou wilt not, be sworn my love
And I'll no longer wear Dune!
'Tis more than thy name that is my passion:
Thou ist art itself! Thou not a high street brand.

What's in a name? That which we call a shoe
By any other word would feel as great;
So Louboutin would, were it not Louboutin call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which it owes
Without that name, louboutin, doff thy price tag,
and for thy name, which is only part of thee.










If it were within my power,
I would take all for myself.
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Saturday, 4 September 2010

E.R. (Emmy Red carpet)

Pub 04/09/2010
When I started this blog I knew full well that red carpet dresses were going to feature heavily and I have been itching to get started passing judgement on what other people deem worthy of wearing. With the Emmys I can finally begin condemning or congratulating those people that have filtered through to my attention by that all knowing source we like to call E! TV Luckily we haven’t reached the Grammys so no Kanye West bitching about awards going to any people that aren’t black just yet.

What we do get are the True Blood, Glee and Mad Men types popping on out to tell us what they are wearing whilst dodging personal questions. I so enjoy watching Giuliana Rancic gushing about everyone's clothes when you know full well she’ll then pretend to be shocked at what Joan Rivers says on ‘Fashion Police’ the next day. Not that anyone asked but here are my 2-cents …

Kelly Osborne (Tony Ward):
Shame she caved and has gone Hollywood skinny. Her dress was OK being all black elegance with a plunging neckline, but the hair! It looked like a style your Nan might favour and was starting to look a little brittle to me, I would say it’s time to stop the dying.







Kim Kardashian (Marchesa):
Loved the hair which wasn’t too skin-tight 'face-lifty' and the white Greek goddess gown really did look amazing. But unless you catch her without her make-up on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, I defy you to see this girl ever looking bad.






Lea Michelle (Oscar De La Renta):
Another one that has yet to get it wrong, her navy blue dress made me quite jealous and with great jewellery, wicked eye make-up and cool hair there’s no denying she looked beautiful.







Sophia Vergara (Caralina Herrera):
Well it’s not black (as many of the dresses were) but it’s not great either. Waddling around in a gold dress made out of fishscales that was too long for her body and strangely also too big for her chest.  She moved one way but the dress stayed put, still a hot mama but this was definitely an off night for the Modern Family actress.





If I have to add a token guy in here it would be Ricky Gervais in ‘couldn’tgiveatoss':
Unshaven, sunglassed and without a tie but he actually looked better than most other guys. And he's still showing signs of being reasonably normal as when asked if he was going to be on the American version of The Office he replied I get paid anyway, why work too? – Good Man!




Christina Hendricks (Zac Posen):
One that I missed off my 'gingerevolution' blog but it turns out she’s naturally blonde anyway. I used to think Zac made gorgeous incredible gowns but I think he might have been having a mental break down when he came up with this feather-caped shoulder-padded ‘I look like I’m a 12 yr old off to my first birthday party’ concoction. This is the worst dress at the whole event. Totally rubbish, the only saving grace is she had great make-up and her boobs looked amazing.



January Jones (Armani):
This is a weird one, at first I hated it, then I liked the colour and cut, but the tacky shell material was beyond dreadful.  Hair and make-up looked cool though - the jury's still out, you decide!






Anna Paquin (Alexandra McQueen):
Not meaning to speak ill of the dead I’m wondering if this was the dress that tipped him over the edge? The heavy gladiator style amour on top of silky black satin material just didn’t work.  Even she must have known it was hideous as she was one of the only people to change outfits for the after party). And how it made her stomach look bloated is beyond me – bad bad bad!



Heidi Klum (Marchesa):
Well it’s black but it’s not dull! The flowers covering all 3 inches of the full length of the ‘dress’ were a nice touch and there’s no denying Heidi looked pretty slamming for a mum of four.  It does feels like she was trying too hard though.






Kyra Segdwick (Monique Lhuillier):
Finally a colour! Deep red and strapless, a little heavy for the season but lovely none the less. Her hair had the ‘dragged through hedge backwards’ finish but we can forgive her that.  It seems she's going for the longest marriage in Hollywood title (after Paul and Joanna Newman of course) as she has been hitched to Kevin Bacon for 22 yrs now.  Well done them!



Jane Krakowski (Escada custom-made)
Why Escada saw the need to custom make a navy blue dustbin liner I have no idea, good shoes though (not that you can see them of course!).









Nina Dobrev (Zuhair Murad)
Loved the one shouldered twisted strap of this very flattering ensemble. Pretty cool for a relative newbie on the red carpet.








Saving the best for last we have Jennifer Carpenter in her single long sleeved damn fabulous sparkly dress by Oday Shakar.

The hair all swept over to the bare skin side worked as well. This is a dress which screams ‘in your face anyone who isn’t me. I am the shizzle’.








So there we are, feel free to let me know if you agree (or not - debates is good for the soul) and I look forward to giving you all my opinion that you didn’t ask for again when the awards season really does kick off.
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Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Guilty Viewings

Pub 25/08/2010

I’m not entirely sure how this happened. I consider myself to be a pretty intelligent person and generally like to watch a myriad of different programmes that don’t kill the brain cells.  But this afternoon I found myself looking up what time a particular family based show was going to be on. I knew it would be on at some point -there are enough series now that it is spit-roasted on E! Entertainment most days if not every day of the week. But the fact that I am consciously finding the schedule it has slotted into can only mean one thing. I have (again) been infected by American reality TV.

First it was The Hills, which I came across when I was off sick one day. Some pretty girl in white dress screaming ‘you know what you did! you know what you did!’ caught my attention and I became hooked. Loved the clothes, loved the drama, loved the fact that Spencer Pratt (name says it all really doesn’t it?) had a full on nervous breakdown in front of God knows how many thousands of people.
And yes for the first few seasons I really did think it was at least quasi-real. Obviously after the programme exploded and the girls couldn’t walk out the door without 25 paps running around after them they had take it off the street and onto a set. But still, it came across as classy reality and meant that the highly delusional, like myself, can pretend they have beautiful friends and live in LA. Then Lauren went and ruined it by refusing to be filmed anymore and all that was left were coke heads, air heads and one particularly self involved narcissistic spoilt little Colorado bitch 'head'.  So I assumed I would go back to watching normal stuff again. Unfortunately my jelly brain had other ideas and I am now all involved with a whole other bunch of people again. I guess its confession time so here goes - Ahem: I really like Keeping up with the Kardashians.

I know, I know! I can hear the groans and see the eye’s rolling from here, and while I am aware that this declaration of guilt may get The Man calling our solicitor to file for irreconcilable differences I can’t help it. I tried not to! but I think the fact that there are a number of parallels - three sisters, the middle one being the most successful, younger sister who takes no prisoners and older sister with a new baby and all that that entails – means I’m just so curious to see how it all pans out. Being the middle, I suppose my loyalties should lie with Kim but that’s not so. No offense intended but she is probably the best advert for make-up ever seen as without it she seems to resemble a new born baby bird.
Kim Kardashian
Khloe's definitely my favourite. From the first words she utters in the opening sequence, (‘the wind you guys, is this necessary’?) to how bad her language is endears her to me. Sure the whole married within a month thing, was a little off the cuff but at least she’s not with someone as gross as Scott Disick.

I genuinely don’t know what’s worse, the insincere crap that comes out of his mouth or the fact that he seems to think that we actually believe any of it. He may have Kourtney (the brunette version of Heidi Montag, only not so intelligent) wrapped around his little wiener, but the rest of the world aren't so dim-witted.

To quote the funniest Kardashian and add to the reasons why I like her, when Kourtney advised a radio show that she will probably have a second baby Khloe decided ‘we have to sew up her vagina’ I concur! Unsolicited advice time: Wake up Kourt, the father of your child has the word ‘Dick’ in his surname, surely even you can see no good can come from further breeding with this man?

So while this blog has seen to it that my latest reality TV lusting is no longer a secret I will still look forward to the times when The Man is out and I can turn on the TV and turn off my brain. 

 Now where did I put that remote again?


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Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Dick Jockey!

Pub 03/08/2010
Its not often I find myself in the unfortunate position of disagreeing with 8 million people, but mornings these days I have been considering how bad it would feel to hurl myself out of my first story window. I’m pretty certain it can’t hurt as much as listening to Chris Moyles on Radio 1.

It wasn’t always this way, and it could well be me that has changed as I used to enjoy his late night antics of hanging up on people and generally being rude to the less intelligent members of the public. I was so pleased when he first took over from Sara Cox seven years ago, who at the time constantly ‘ummed’ and ‘erred’ the whole way through her breakfast show. Turns out she’s gone all brillimerant now that she’s got a few years practice under her belt and is one of my favourites to listen to, who knew?

Back then, Moyles was able to take the mickey out of himself as well as everyone else.  Maybe that’s because he didn’t have a crowd around him constantly telling him he was great and/or putting up with all his spoilt little rich kid behaviour. But with his ego having inflated to a disproportionate size what used to be entertaining is now just annoying.

Take last Friday morning for example. Dominic Burns is trying to read the weather while, ever terrified we may forget he’s there, Chris constantly interrupts and starts force feeding him cheesecake. God Damn it Moyles, he said no three times and you kept choo-chooing your way into his report. And we all know why, a) you get to stop him from having any air time if his face is full of cake and b) you get to confirm your alpha male status. It would probably be less obvious if you just got it out and pissed all around his desk.

I don't need you to say 'question number two' seven times in the quiz and Chris, you don't have to replay clips of other people's mistakes over and over again. Obviously he has never screwed up in his radio career, but if he had I very much doubt any of the guys he works with have the balls play it every 9 seconds for what seems like the whole of the 3.5hr show.

His constant cringy flirtation with Fearne Cotton is real car crash listening, and just one sentence springs to mind whenever he is asking her to dinner and she is coming up with seven different reasons why she can’t make it: She’s. Just. Not. That. Into. You.

The cereal flake that broke the bowl for me was the last McFly day. Not that the song is a problem, on the contrary it’s something they have got right recently.  Along with the ‘Where Am I’ game which of course they are retiring as it has made a star of Westwood and Moyles couldn’t possibly allow that! No, I actually look forward to singing along to 'Star Girl' in my car on the way to the office. Unfortunately so enchanted is Moyles with his own voice that his ‘introduction to the song' or blathering on about nothing, meant I had already arrived at work by the time the song had started!

I am aware there is a rather obvious solution here, I could turn him off or indeed over but I keep him around for two reasons. Firstly the rest of his team are quite funny. Secondly if it’s his voice I hear in the morning I am more inclined to get up when the alarm goes off. Granted this is just to remove the radio from the socket and throw it against the wall in a bid to release some frustration that a man so lacking in talent has been on morning radio for 7 years AND has just signed a contract for at least another year.... And breathe! But still…

Luckily for me, we have just reached one of the many blissful parts of the year when Chris is on holiday (fingers crossed for another load of volcano ash just over wherever he is!) and Scott Mills takes over. Time for a new facebook group me thinks!
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Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Other People's Blogs

Other people’s lives are so great to comment on and as we are fast approaching the twenty-teens, these days other people’s lives just happen to be up on the internet for all to see.

In the whole of my 2 months blogging, I have investigated what other people deem worthy of noting and have come across a large number of really really dull blogs. Obviously this is just my opinion and I am sure that, had anyone happened across my ramblings, they may well think the same of mine. And hey, that’s cool, half the time I don’t know why I write what I write anyway.

The topics that personally repel me are mainly about blogger’s children.  I could probably have lived my whole life perfectly content without knowing that today little Cassie did a poo in the big toilet and I especially didn’t need a picture.

Others that annoy are those that spew about life with overly religious undertones and one that I find particularly unforgiving got the blog address I wanted and appears to mainly be about a group of quilt makers. I am assured this is the real deal, though I think it’s more likely to be a cover (geddit, cover? quilt, I crack myself up!) for some illegal drug barron activity.

Luckily as well as the tripe that the dullsvilles produce, there is a serious number of blogs which are pretty much awesome in the true sense of the word. So, not that they really need it, I thought I would do my own Blogs of Note here:

Sutterink.com


Since 24 has finished and all my other programmes have come to a series end my husband and I started watching something called ‘Sons of Anarchy’. Mainly because when we saw a trailer for the second series, he recognised Henry Rollins playing a Nazi arsehole in a motorcycle gang's town. I am no more particularly a fan of bikers than Sandra Bullock is now (that’s not a dig, we all know she rocks!) but I have to admit to being just a tad hooked. Whether this is due my TV-addictive personality or that it’s a gritty and well made TV series that challenges your moral stand and questions how things work and should work in small town USA, you’ll have to work out for yourself.

It’s highly probably that one of the reasons for my addiction is due to the Jax Teller character. Never really went for blondes before but even though he does have rather small piggy like eyes and wears massive white trainers rather than biker boots he’s definitely my new crush.


Mentioned in the titles of this show is the name Kurt Sutter, written by, directed by, and all over envisioned by as far as I can tell and his is the above named blog. It’s not for kids as he swears, a lot! but it’s well deserved topics that get sworn at. He is also manages to put his point across eloquently at the same time as writing about f**king douchebags. A skill which I would love to master, his open letter to Lindsey Lohan alone makes his blog worth a read. It’s also comforting, from a new bloggers perspective, to see that his first God knows how many blogs got either 1 or no comments at all!

Just a word of warning: If you are in the middle of SOA series 1 or 2 don’t read the Series 3 update he has written (yeah I get that’s obvious but I did it and having only see the end of series 1 and eagerly awaiting series 2 being released in the UK in the middle of August I now know something that I really shouldn’t for a good few episodes yet).

Sleep Talkin’ Man

Sleep talking, if you’ve ever heard it, is weirdly funny at the best of times but a serial sleep talker is in a class all of their own. Thank God ‘Adam’s’ wife decided to clue us all in to his unconscious comments and thank you sleep talkin man, you have made several hours at work very very entertaining. If you need a giggle this is definitely the blog to spend some time with.

Cranium Bolts

Some people are massively lucky and live in incredibly picturesque places on this planet. Some people are massively talented and can see a picture where other people just see everyday life. Some people have massively expensive camera equipment. Seems Shiju Sugunan is the kind of bastard that has all three of these and a blog so he can prove it. Not sure how happy he would be, with my mentioning him in the same blog as Kurt Sutter, seeing as he says he hates action.  Or how he would feel about being called a bastard – no offense meant Shiju, sarcasm is my first form of expression.  But if you want to see something truly beautiful images turn to his blog. Honestly you won’t be disappointed.

So there you go, next time you are bored give these guys a try. Just don’t stop reading mine as well though yeah?
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Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh FASHION!


It’s an institute that I had, so far, ignored but a couple of Saturdays ago I finally succumbed  to the pleasure that is The Clothes Show at Earls Court. Having heard both good and bad about the venture I was about to embark on, I feared that, like the Pyramids in Egypt, I might have left it too late to visit and the authenticity of the place would be lost. So stepping into Earls Court, both followed and proceeded by a vast number of stiletto’d tottering teens, I was pleasantly surprised by the feeling of excitement that swept over me. Some would say that may have something to do with the fact that there was a Kit-Kat cafe and they were giving away free Sensations but we shall ignore such scandalous accusations!

The original plan was to do a lap before committing to a location but my comrades in fashion were so entranced with the first set of stalls we came across, all choc full of floaty little numbers, that we started hunting through them straight away. They were all in ‘real girl’ sizes so you didn’t feel like a massive lump when trying on their deliciously summery designs and most items were under £40, so those looking to update their wardrobe or add some sizzle to their holiday outfits were in their element.

Another stall, another freebie. This time it was a little rest and a munch on the complimentary snack-a-jacks. We contemplated winning Gok Wan’s new book, but that involved queuing to add your details to a database and seemed far too tiresome. Instead we decided to just eat and and ooooh and ahhhhh at the shoes on sale and the girls wobble around in their crazy heels, (seems the dominatrix spike is making a comeback!)


After the Fashion Show it was time for more freebies. Two pots of Muller Light Rice Pudding later (its all food isn't it?) and we were off wandering around more beautiful stalls showcasing their wonderful wares. They even had a stand for the exceptionally lazy festival goer who wants to wear a crown of flowers to look all ethereal but can’t be bothered to make it themselves.

What the clothes show does so well is to continually feed the zing of excitement you get when a nice smiley lady hands you something you don’t have to pay for. And so it was that we found ourselves with a double pack of Pantene shampoo and conditioner in our bags and a couple of different flavoured Martinis in our hands.

We spent many a happy hour working out if we could afford that that new maxi dress (probably not) and if we were going to get it anyway (what do you think?) whilst marveling at the Martini stand’s decorations.  Not the worst way to spend an afternoon is it?

And just when you thought there were no more surprises on the way out, there was another queue by the front door (which looked long but really moved quickly). Being British and loving a good queue we joined in the fun and found it was for your leaving present goodie bag. Including a wide array of feminine hygiene sample products (!) But also with the aforementioned Kit Kat again, it made a happy ever after ending for the bargain hunter in anyone.

The Clothes Show occurs twice yearly and the next one is scheduled for 3rd – 4th December 2010 in Birmingham. Here are a few tips if you decide that you want to go along:

1. Get there Early as you can, so the crowds don’t take away from your enjoyment of wandering around.
2. Wear clothes you can slip dresses over There appeared to be only 1 changing room in the whole place.
3. Wear flat slip on shoes. Though there are many places to sit and chill, the Clothes Show still demands a fair amount of walking.
4. Check out which magazines have the best freebies before being sucked into buy them (unless you want 3 magazines and a carrier bag full of trial sized make ups and beauty products.  Which now I think about it, sounds pretty awesome, so ignore that. Buy and grab and run to the next stall!).
5. Bathroom Break Rules The Men’s loos were pretty much empty of the less fair sex most of the time. So if you are brave and don’t want to wait crossed legged for a wee I suggest running in to the gents with your eyes closed (though try not to bump into anyone/thing)
6. Lunch means spending at least a tenner at any of the stalls and can get very busy. The salad bar (which comes with chicken, salmon or a veggie quiche) had the smallest queue (for obvious reasons!) and is recommended for if you are feeling virtuous or if, like me, you turn all incredible hulky when hungry and not fed.
7. BEST TIP - If you have a Tesco’s Club Card the cost of the ticket (£25 plus booking fee) can be bought with just £8.50 worth of Clubcard Vouchers!

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Monday, 28 June 2010

IF...

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are concerned with how the budget affects me and you,
If you can trust it’ll work itself out when all men doubt it,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait out the queues, not be tired by waiting,
Being lied to by governments, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated for skin colour, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too cocky, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream of curing illness, not make dreams your master;
If you can think on terrors impact - not make thoughts your aim;
If you can watch a golfers truimph and Cricket's disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by Chavs to make a trap for fools,
Or feel your safety to travel broken,
Rebuild your courage with worn-out tools:

If you can make a heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of Poker’s hand,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
Never breathe a word of your lost grand;
If you can buy from a vendor, the big issue
Long after most of your wage is gone,
And pray with everything that is in you
This way his life won’t carry on.

If you can talk with politicians and keep your virtue,
Or walk with celebrities - not lose the common touch,
If both the evil and good get fairness from you,
If all want your company, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With Usain Bolts worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Copyright © Alice Toby-Brant 2010 All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: OBVIOUSLY Props go to Rudyard Kipling as we all know he wrote the original, I just gave it a little 2015 remix.
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