The wonderings, ponderings and other 'ings' of me. Lifestyle, review, news and opinion posts. Chic with a hint of sarcasm... hopefully!

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Bridget Jones - Mad At the Author (a sort of open letter to Helen Fielding)



Weight (not telling you) books read 1, reviews of said book 1, number of times cried over book 3 (v gd.) Warning: Beware spoilers.

So I did it, I read the whole of Bridget Jones in a weekend even though I knew Mark Darcy had been killed.  In my naivety I did somehow hope that it had all been a mistake or that he had been forced into witness protection and would turn up in the third scene but alas it was not to be.  So Fielding, I have reviewed your book and seeing as the last time I reviewed a book it was The Slap (writing that I had serious hatred for) this doesn’t bode well for you.

However the fact that I did read it in one weekend meant, at least, I do still think you can write and the comedy scenes you got Bridget into were still funny.  But offing MD is an ever present mistake (as big as if you didn't have a spell check and thought words were all phonetic) the whole way through the book. 

To also miss out Sharon pretty much completely (off being married, since when would Sharon have left Bridget?) and to add insult to fatal injury, killing off Bridget’s dad and Uncle Geoffrey as well (like we don’t know men go first!) is just too much.  You should know that I'm not angry, just very disappointed and now mistrusting of any of your future works.   

You see we know there is pain in the world and that death is part of life but we don't go to Bridget Jones to have this point drilled home to us.  If we want the pain of real life we buy Jodi Picoult books, or read and watch the news or look out the window.  If we want pseudo-real life we watch Made In Chelsea or TOWIE (please note, I will never again watch TOWIE, tried it once and spent 3 minutes watching a miniature dog take a dump).

We are not children that need to be taught about the harsh realities of what someone feels when a father and husband die and all the pain that entails.  We come to Bridget for light hearted relief from these things and trust you to provide that relief which is all too sparse these days.  

While I get that writers want to grow and change their characters, a nice divorce or separation would have been much better (with a healthy reconciliation at the end).  As it is the whole book is tinged with a tar like sadness which won't wash off (even with the less than realistic and Happy Ever After ending your editor probably forced you to put in).  You've let us down; you’ve let yourself down and worst of all you've let Bridget down.

A Word of warning Sophie Kinsella, don't ever kill off Luke Brandon, I GENUINELY couldn't take it.
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Monday, 7 October 2013

Tattoo Breakdown - What happens when you have a tattoo

Needles are not really my thing, you'll never find me having botox and I have never, not ever had me even a little heroin.  However this weekend I voluntarily allowed myself to get pricked, and as of 5th October I am no longer a Tattoo Virgin.  Being a lover of describing things and cos I know you lot are proper nosy I'm documenting my experience in a blow-by-blow or prick-by-prick (yeah! cos that sounds less rude) account.

First, we need to go back 3-4 months to when my dad advised he was getting a tattoo for his 70th birthday.  The doctors wouldn't let him do a parachute jump or wing-walking (I kid you not) so this was his next best celebratory option.  I'd wanted a tattoo since my early 20's, had made (and cancelled) 2 appointments and walked in (and then out of) a tattooists on 5 separate occasions, but I figured if dad can do it then so can I.  After deciding what I wanted (thank you Pinterest, Google Images and Lauren Thomas!) I emailed the tattooist with the script, style and wording I had settled on.  And then waited...

3 months later we turned up at TattooUK in Rayners Lane.  The place stank of disinfectant (in a good way), Clean white walls were decorated with tattoo inspiration and what sounded like a really fucked off bee was buzzing in the background.  Kathy passed me a sign off sheet (am I on blood thinners, do I suffer from Psoriasis, did I understand that tattoos are permanent!?) and took in my somewhat panicked look.  'This your first tattoo' she stated rather than questioned, indeed it was as she must have then realised as I proceeded to ask question after question:
How long have you been doing this?  (Ans: 3 yrs)
Are you sure the needles are fresh? (Ans: yes, opened and disposed of in front of me)
What happens if I need to sneeze? (Ans: tell me early!)

Once the transfer had been properly placed, a job which took 5 attempts, (no bad thing you really don't want a lopsided tattoo!|) and which the manager, Tuesday, had to OK we were good to go.  The buzzing started and I found myself thinking, but this is fine, I can't even feel it I must have a really high pain threshold.  Five seconds later a tiny army of sewing needles started having a fight on my wrist.  No lie the first section hurt (my sister saying, 'describe the pain? what does it feel like' didn't help) and I did get a little woozy.  But after a minute or two with some deep breathing, a cola and the fan pointed in my direction we started up. And actually from that point on it really wasn't that bad.  The pain was more annoying than anything but you can't swat away a tattoo artist like you would a mosquito, I'm led to believe they really don't appreciate it. Twenty minutes later a flood of endorphins (now that bit I did like!) washed over me as she said 'that's it, you're done'.

And there it was, my beautiful baby body art.  I wonder what I'll get next?


Thinking of getting inked? here's a few tips:
  1. Make sure you know what you want, and then mull it over in your noggin for at least a few months.  Had I gone with my first tattoo idea I'd have a CHARMED logo tramp stamped to my lower back.  On trend in the 90's but now quite dated and not something I'll want when I'm 90!
  2. Be in tip-top condition when you go (no coughs or cold).
  3. Don't drink alcohol the night before your appointment, it thins the blood.
  4. Ensure you've eaten something and have a sugary drink with you.
  5. Tell your tattooist if you're feeling hot or queezy.
  6. Don't be afraid to say you think the transfer (that they'll be working from) is off to one side or not straight.  They wont mind, they'll want their work to be admired, not amusing.
  7. If you're not 100% sure you want it wait, you can always make another appointment.
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