The wonderings, ponderings and other 'ings' of me. Lifestyle, review, news and opinion posts. Chic with a hint of sarcasm... hopefully!

Wednesday 25 May 2011

Morons in Chelsea

A gay man pretending to be straight (whilst looking for eyelash curlers?), the world's thickest simpleton and a stuck up jewellery designer doesn't sound like the kind of people worth investing your time. And they're not, but these are some of the cast of the latest 'reality' tv series Made in Chelsea.

The Only Way Is Essex (TOWIE) proved that people will always watch other people, no matter how bird-brained they seem to be. Now that The Hills has finished E4 thought there to be a gap in the market for another show about the upper crust and so Made in Chelsea (MiC) was born. As far as I can tell its mainly about a bunch of toffee-nosed, stuck-up, long haired, fake tanned bitches (and that's just the boys) running around mucking up their own and their friends love lives. The voyeur in me, intrigued by their lifestyle thought I should sit down and I do what I do best, pass judgement on people I know little about, purely because they enter my lounge through the magic of television:

Lets start with my favourite, Hugo.

Nowhere near as attractive as he thinks he is, this one does at least manage to take the piss out of the rest of the cast, himself and most of all his mate...

Impossible to be taken seriously but does a great job of showing that anyone called Spencer on a reality show is an absolute tool. Seeing some model but still has feelings for...

Caggie (what the heck it that short for!?)
The narator of the first episode and so I suppose is meant to be the Lauren Conrad of the group. She lacks the friendliess or comedy of Lauren but she can hold a tune. Best friends with...

I get the feeling she was a massive trouble maker at school and though this photo doesn't show it needs to lay off the fake tan/foundation a bit. Seems to be into Hugo at the moment but was having a fling with...

There are no words to describe what an absolute tosspot this guy is, how he's a model escapes me and what's with the hair?! Best friends with...

Was once photographed with Emma Watson and is quoted as saying 'I'm in the diamond business because I like beautiful things'. Riiiight and I'm sure that your daddy leaving you a diamond mine had nothing to do with it eh? Friends with...

Without a doubt the most stuck up one of the lot and do you get the feeling her face was smacked in with a shovel to give it that oval look? Would never deem to stoop so low as to speak with...

Does this guy seriously not know he is gay? I am sure once he comes out he'll be less of a bitch. Just broke up with...

Maybe one of the dumbest creatures on the planet. If your boyfriend looks like the guy above and doesn't want to spend any time alone with you 'He's Just Not That Into You! (or anyone of your gender).

Unfortunately for the above pillocks, MiC is unlikely to be as popular as The Hills was or TOWIE is due to one major problem, likeability, a trait that most of this lot are rather lacking.

With The Hills you had sweet but stupid Audrina, Lauren whose friend you'd want to be and, more importantly, was scripted to introduce you to everyone and recap so that you felt included and Whitney who were the good guys. Then there was Lo, Kristen and Heidi who were the black hat wearers.

You could take sides and bothered to see how they were doing each week because you cared about them, with MiC if they all fell off their luxury yachts I'm not sure anyone would notice, let alone mind.

The producers of MiC should know that Caggie's intro ('You may have heard Chelsea is all that and its true, I should know because this is my world) won't warm us to the show. Add to that some bofount haired posh boy in a wanky green velvet jacket saying 'high street clothes are not acceptable under any circumstances' and congratulations you've just alienated 95% of audience.

TOWIE's appeal (or so I'm told) is that you can laugh at them for their stupidity or ignorance, with MiC the same stupidity is there but they get to wear better shoes and clothes and go out to lavish dinners, drinking champagne and generally living it up and without someone there that you feel friendly towards its all just rather annoying. You end up hoping they'll all fall over their 5" Louboutins and shoot each other in the face with their country manor shot guns.

I suspect I'll see it through to the bitter end in 5 weeks time, but if it gets picked up for another series I'll eat my Phillip Tracey.


Sunday 1 May 2011

Regal Eagles

So first off, massive apologies for not saying before that I was at Thee Wedding. Kate had sworn me to secrecy and I conceded only when she hinted that her new granny was thinking of making her and Wills Duke and Duchess of my town. Now its all over I can report the goss.

I was one of the first to arrive (so you probably wouldn’t have seen me). Fashion wise, it wasn’t the outfits taking centre stage, it was the hats and there was a smorgasbord of adornings mainly by the hat king, Philip Treacy. Giving a whole new meaning to the phrase giving head, Mr T. decided everyone would look like their fascinators were about to fall off as the style seemed to be place it on your forehead and hope it stays there by sheer force of fashion. A little 'emperors new clothes' if you ask me but as most of the royals were doing it, the talking point was more the colours and cut than the creative director’s thoughts behind the placement.

As she arrived I noticed Princess B and so did the rest of the world. Possibly in a bid to remind everyone that her mum wasn't invited but she was here and wasn’t about to blend in with the crown, her nude lobster-esk headpiece had everyone talking (there's even a facebook group dedicated to it!)

Yes it was over the top but if you can't look like a well dressed mental patient at your cousin, who just happens to be the future king's wedding when can you? Personally I preferred her sister Eugenie's blue hat with a neutral feather and purple flower, she looked like an eighteenth century princess and seemed way more comfortable.

Celebrity paled in comparison, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson looked like a cross between something from the Wizard of Oz and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Luckily Victoria Beckham brought a little class back in her Phillip Treacy navy structured creation. Still haven’t seen her smiling though.

Onto the dress which I caught a glimpse of after Kate had been walking for a proximately 2.36 minutes, it was of course lovely. Kate looked incredibly regal in her Sarah Burton (so McQueen) dress with a sweet neckline, but under all that serious amount of lace it was, dare I say, a little dull?

I can confirm that what Harry said to Wills when he turned to look at his brother's bride to be was 'yep she's hot and I would' but in the end, between stopping Vicky downing any champagne and marching up to the new princess to demand why she didn’t wear one of her creations and forcing Ellie to drink something to calm her nerves before the couple’s first dance, I was really quite exhausted.

I’m really much more looking forward to M&R’s wedding in June, and I promise not to be so secretive when its Harry’s turn.

Disclaimer: 99.9% of this post is made-up.

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