So it’s the morning after the awards show before and I have to ask, are the seven dwarfs that judge the academy awards so frightening that hardly anyone dared to take a risk? While the presenters were going on about all the high gamble colours and dresses around I couldn’t see what the fuss was about. How can it be a risk to wear ‘the colour black’ or McQueen? If you were taking a real risk you’d wear someone that hadn’t been worn before (there I go biggin’ up Felicity Brown again). And how come they seem to be such pervs when it comes to best Actress Nominations? (Black Swan, Monster, Rooney Mara in Dragon Tattoo?)
But I digress, I’m here not to question but to judge so in we go.
Gwyneth Paltrow - Tom Ford
With Stacey Keibler arriving as a quality street sweet and JLo seeming to literary burst out of her dress thank God for Gwyneth. Turning up as part movie star part superhero, I would have LOVED it if she had gone one step further and actually worn a mask too!
Rooney Mara - Givenchy
Honestly the girl's face is lovely and she takes a mean photo but I’m really sick of this demure, awkward persona she stole from Kristen Stewart. The dress may have looked great on someone who wasn’t a living skeleton, and it not being black meant everyone else went wild for it but I was underwhelmed. Rooney Mara, the girl with the body fat and personality of a coat hanger (no offense to any coat hangers reading this).
Octavia Spencer – Tadashi Shoji
This was such a great dress for her and it’s one that a real person could pull off as well. From what I know (very little) she seems like such a decent person and thee middle sister loves it when real people gets props like this.
And she won too - In Your Face Skinny Po-faced Beatches!
Emma Stone - Giambattista Valli
I read a report labelling this as a perfect example of what not to wear to the Oscars, I admit I am biased (that’s my girl there) but I genuinely disagree. The voice, the makeup, the actual personality... How cool do you have to be to pull off that neckline? Stone cool (take note Kidman!)
Michelle Williams – Louis Vuitton
So she impressed me at the BAFTAS (a feat which I thought was as likely as John Galliano staging a Chris Brown style come back) but it seems that was the exception that proved the rule. What is that middle section? Peplum should be illegal when done this badly! (where's Victoria Beckham when you need her?)
Jessica Chastain – McQueen BEST DRESSED
Similar to the dress Anna Paquin wore to the Emmy's in 2010 only, y’know good. This is an example of how to do great hair, great make up and get yourself in a real I Mean Business dress. Close up it was even better plus I love that she came with her nana.
Viola Davis – Vera Wang WORST DRESSED
Does Vera Wang hate her? I know I wanted to see green (its hardly ever done)but this was not the tone I meant. Add the daft gash towards the bottom and the weird section that makes her boobs look completely fake and its all a massive fashion fail.
Angelina Jolie – Versace
Ooh what a departure for her to wear… black, as always she's flawlessly boring! Come on, put your scrawny leg and knobbly knee away and prove you really can pull off anything by wearing baby yellow or a pastel blue 1950's house coat.
Sandra Bullock – Marchesa
My other girl took a bit of a bashing on twitter for wearing this and I guess I can see what they meant as it doesn’t look amazingly tailored. But Sandra is the Queen and can do monochrome like no other. I don’t see that it's as bad as is being reported and definitely not in the Viola Davis 'whatwereyouthinking?' league.
However, for the first time in Academy Award history, a man upstaged all the girls as no matter who wore what this is the look everyone will be talking about.
Pictures from all over the place, who cares? I'm not making money from them!